Final Fantasy VII: Chronicles of Cheese
by The Fantasy Alchemist
Summary: Cheese based novelization of Final Fantasy VII. Randomness and OOCness. No pairings. So, really, what would Final Fantasy VII be like if it were based on cheese? The brave are invited to see...
1. New Foo'

The train stopped at its destination, and two rebels suddenly emerged from it. The catchy theme song played, and the spiky-headed, buster sword wielding protagonist sliced 'n diced two guards.

Yes, this is the beginning of Final Fantasy VII. At least, how _we_ know it. But in the eyes of the Cheese God, things were different...

Prepare yourself for a journey like no other...

**This story is loosely based on Final Fantasy VII. The Fantasy Alchemist _does not_ own Final Fantasy VII. Okay? Okay. And another note... this story was inspired by THE FF7 CHEESE MAN. May he take credit where credit is due. In other words, don't sue the poor author!**

**You're approaching the fic...**

**WARNING: The Fantasy Alchemist does not take any responsibility for the damage caused by this fic. Nor will he pay for therapy. Read at your own risk.**

**Final Fantasy VII: Chronicles of Cheese**

Somewhere in the Sector 7 slums...

"When is Daddy coming back?" a young, bright-eyed girl asked curiously, swinging her legs back and forth from the table she sat on.

"Soon, Marlene, soon," a young brunette woman replied gently. She continued drying a glass, and heaved a sigh. Things were so hectic now. She merely wished the best for her friends.

"C'mon, foo'," a buff man told the young, slightly psychotic man they had recently recruited.

The new guy gave a swift, affirmative nod of his head, continuing after the man. But, unluckily, two guards attacked the young man.

And these weren't just any guards.

They were cheese guards.

"Oh my god, the cheese, it burns!" cried the man, hurling his huge sword around as if it were a fly swatter.

Suddenly, a flashback entered the man's spiky blond head.

"_Bwahahaha! It is I, Cheeseroth!" shouted a silver-haired man, cackling in a manner only an insane guy can cackle._

"_Oh noes, Cheeseroth! Aiiieeee! Why are you so evil?" cried a young boy, shielding his eyes from the cheese fiend._

"_You would be evil, too, if you were made of cheese!" cried Cheeseroth, a single manly tear rolling down his cheek._

"IT WAS LIKE A SOAP OPERA!" cried the spiky-headed man, killing off the last evil cheese guard. "Hn?"

The man looked at the guards he had killed. Evidently, the memory of Cheeseroth had unlocked a secret power within him or some jazz like that.

"Coolies!" he shouted.

Quickly, the dude made his way to the rest of the gang.

"Blah blah blah stuff you don't read because you like to skip through text!" said the people.

"What is your name?" asked a man with a headband.

"Uhh..." strained the man spoken to. "Uh, um, it's Cloud!" He posed awkwardly, trying to act cool.

"Wow! What a feminine name! Blah blah blah!" replied Headband.

Cloud remained speechless due to his lack of interest. Hrm.

"Everybody in the hood! Move out!" ordered the leader, his gaze now locking with Cloud's.

"Used to be with the CheeseRa, eh? Don't trust ya, foo'," the guy who was just identified as Barret said in an unnerving manner.

"Whatev," shrugged Cloud.

Inside the reactor, Barret explained to Cloud why they were trying to defeat the CheeseRa.

"This planet's life blood is cheese," Barret said in a dramatic way, "and them damn CheesRa keep suckin' out all the cheese with no thought o' the planet! They're killin' it! And don't nobody do anything. That's why it's AVALANCHE's duty to keep dis planet alive!"

There was no response to Barret's dramatic, compelling, tear-jerking and utterly moving speech.

"Foo'?" asked Barret.

"snore" replied Cloud.

The next scene has been censored because of how much I appreciate the audience.

And then, everybody goes 'blah' and the whole frickin' place goes BOOM! Next scene, please.

Cloud was walking through the streets when he ran into a cheese girl named Aeris.

"Would you like to buy some cheese?" she automatically uttered.

"Uh, sure," said Cloud, deciding to be courteous. "How much?"

"Only a gil!" she giggled.

"Hot dog!" cried Cloud, swiping his cheese and managing to toss the girl a coin. "What a bargain!"

He scurried off with his treasure.

And now we're at Tifa's Seventh Heaven. And no, she is not affiliated with the TV show in any way.

"Cloud!" cried Tifa, running up to her old friend. "Oh, cheese! Is it for me?"

"Uh, sure, yeah," Cloud said. He handed her the cheese, which she happily munched on, sharing some with Marlene.

"Thank you so much, Cloud! One day, I will fill the entire bar with cheese!" Tifa exclaimed.

Cloud nodded understandingly.

He headed down into the hideout where he met with Barret.

"Heard ya gave my daughter some cheese, foo'," he said, his glare once more upon Cloud.

"Yup," Cloud replied simply, masking his nervousness.

"Thanks."

Ladi dadi da, Cloud's upstairs now.

"Cloud," Tifa inquired tenderly. "Do you remember your promise?"

"Hn?" Cloud asked surprisedly.

"So you're forgotten..." Tifa said, tears glistening in her eyes. "I thought when you gave me that cheese, you remembered..."

"No, Tifa," Cloud said, "I... remember. At the well in Nibelheim, town of cheese?"

Tifa nodded gleefully. "Yes... and your promise..."

"_Tifa, I'm gonna become a champion cheese eater!" exclaimed a young Cloud._

"_Wow, Cloud, that's really something!" Tifa said with a smile._

"_Yeah! I'm gonna be as good as Cheeseroth!" young Cloud gloated._

"_Wow!" said young Tifa. "Since you're gonna be a champion, you're gonna be famous, right?"_

_Cloud nodded in reply._

"_So if I'm ever in a bind, you'll save me with your cheese eating powers?" Tifa asked eagerly._

"_Sure!" Cloud agreed._

_A chunk of flying moon cheese streaked through the air at that very moment.

* * *

_

And that seems like a nice place to end the first chapter! Reviews are appreciated! And no, I am not on crack! At least, I think...


	2. Tea Parties and Dork Stamps

**Disclaimer: If I owned Final Fantasy VII, it would be very disturbing. In other words, _I don't own it_. That's a _good_ thing.**

**Now time for the land where everyone is stereotypical and stereotypical is everyone! And cheese rules all!**

**Final Fantasy VII: Chronicles of Cheese**

Insanely loud marching music which is identified as Barret's theme song is played, waking our spiky-headed hero.

"Guh, CHEESE!" he shouted, shaking his head. He headed upstairs on the magic arcade game, greeting his childhood friend.

"Hi, Cloud! Did you have good dreams?" she gushed.

"Uh-huh, except for when the flying green monkeys attacked my fort of pink lemonade and killed my dog," he lazily replied.

"Yup! That's never good!" Tifa said uneasily. "Well, uh, today I'm coming with you guys!"

"HEY, FOO'!" Barret yelled gruffly. "Show me how to use the freaking Cheeseria!"

Cloud gives a loud sigh of obvious disdain, saying, "Whatever. I'll _try_ to teach you."

"What's that supposed to mean!" asked Barret in an angered manner, raising his gun arm.

"Chill, man," Cloud sighed.

Cloud explained all the sub-menu thingies, Barret looking at him as if he was speaking Swahili.

"Okay. And that's all there is to it. Simple, huh?" Cloud asked, not really expecting a reply.

"Damn, foo'!" Barret exclaimed. "I'm fuggin' clueless! Well, you handle the Cheeseria then!"

Cloud nodded in a monotonic manner.

The team then headed to the train, ladi dadi da.

"YO! Dis looks like it ain't no private car! Split up, fools!" Barret ordered.

A CheesRa manager spat some snarky remark, Barret retorting with, "You say somethin'? I said, you say somethin', foo'? It's empty alluva sudden. What's goin' on, foo'?"

"Damn!" cried the CheeseRa manager in a wimpy way. "It's be- because of g-guys like you!"

Barret, obviously short-tempered, smacked him. Really hard. No, really, there was an echo.

Blah blah blah, whatever, now they're jumping off the train! Wheeeee!

They all go a-hikin' in the Cheese reactor, and Cloudy boy has a little breakdown.

"You okay, Cloud?" Tifa asked worriedly.

"Cheeseroth..." he muttered. "I'm fine."

He sets the bomb majigger, actually being a super genius, and they FLY out of the reactor! Sadly, that's not how it happened. Cloud chitchats with the CheeseRa president, and then fights a giant Butt Bot!

Swiftly, the Butt Bot is destroyed, making a really big BOOM! I like booms!

But then Cloud falls down, down, down. Shame.

Some crack conversation appears on the screen, and Cloud awoke to a cheese girl!

"Hi! I'm Aeris! I'm twenty-two, female, and live with my mother!" she greeted.

"Uh... hi. I'm Cloud. I like potatoes," he replied. "Hey, what is this?" He mushed some cheese beneath his hands, Aeris giving a giggle.

"You landed in my cheese garden! It must have broken your fall," she said matter-of-factly.

"Uh, okay. Can I go now?" Cloud inquired.

And then, that Turk dude Reno appears! Dun dun DUN!

"Catch 'er!" he orders his CheeseRa troops.

Cloud and the cheese girl manage to escape, and end up having a tea party on the roof of the church.

"Why were they after you?" Cloud asked bluntly, a grouchy expression on his face.

"I don't know!" cried Aeris in an air-headed manner. "Maybe they want me in SOLDIER! Teehee!"

"Whatev," said Cloud. "Hey, let's mosey!"

Cloud hops like a bunny, Aeris gasping and wheezing for him to wait. She probably has asthma.

"Hurry up! Yanno, SOLDIER doesn't let asthmatics join!" Cloud said.

"How rude!" Aeris gasped.

She caught up, and asked, "Hey, Cloud! We're you ever in SOLDIER?"

Cloud gives her a weird look and replied, "...Yeah. How'd you know?"

"You're eyes. They're all glowy!" laughed Aeris.

"Are you calling me different?" Cloud sobbed.

"N, no!" Aeris apologizes.

"Psych," Cloud said, giving her a dork stamp no returns. "You're so gullible."

Aeris giggled.

They finally made it to Aeris' house, Aeris introducing Cloud as her bodyguard.

Elmyra gave an audible sigh, saying, "Not this again. The shrink said it was just a phase. Wasted five thousand gil, that's what I think..."

"Teehee! Mother's so silly. Where're you headin' next?" Aeris questioned.

"Uh... Sector 7, to Tifa's bar..." he answered.

"Oh. Is Tifa... a girl?" Aeris asked.

"Well, that's what she told me," he replied.

"A girl... friend?" Aeris inquired tentatively.

"Aren't you getting a little personal?" Cloud asked with a raised eyebrow. "We're mutual friends. We go way back."

"Okey dokey!" giggled Aeris gleefully. "I can take you to Sector 7, if you like!"

"Oh no you don't, Missy!" Elmyra cried from the bathroom. "It's almost nighttime. Your play buddy can spend the night, if it's okay with his parents."

"Yeah, listen to your mom," he said. "Besides, I don't need help from a _girl_..."

"That's it, pal! You, me, tomorrow morning!" said Aeris.

"Whatev," sighed Cloud.

Aeris bounded up the stairs, leaving Cloud with Elmyra who recently got out of the bathroom. _Without washing her hands_.

"Can you do me a favor?" Elmyra pleaded worriedly. "Can you leave tomorrow without Aeris?"

Cloud gave a slight shrug in response, also heading up the stairs. Elmyra sighed, saying, "Kids these days."

Cloud makes himself comfortable in his bed, falling asleep and having flashbacks.

"_You've grown so much," a woman told a younger Cloud. "All that cheese must've really helped."_

_She gives a small smile, and continued. "I bet the girls never leave you alone."_

"_Not really," muttered Cloud uncomfortably._

"_I'm worried about you. There are a lot of temptations in the city. I'd feel better if you settled down and had a nice girlfriend." Playing the mother's feelings trump card._

"_I'm not interested," Cloud grumbled._

"Whoa! Cheese!" Cloud quietly shouted. "Ah... must've fallen asleep. Guess I'll leave now."

* * *

End chapter two. And remember, it's nice to review! 


	3. Cloud Eats Squirrels

**Disclaimer: If The Fantasy Alchemist owned Final Fantasy VII, it'd be about cheese. So obviously, I don't own it.**

**Final Fantasy VII: Chronicles of Cheese**

Moseying in Sector 5, Cloud buys some items with AVALANCHE's funds. Like he cares.

Cloud decides to exit Sector 5 and make it to Sector 7, his precious items in tow. Yep, you knew it, he bought cheese.

"Ah, okay, got me some cheese, now I need to visit the rabid monkey infested zoo to pick up crackers... hey, uh, hi, Aeris!" Cloud nervously smiled at the woman clad in pink, waving with his free hand.

"You're up bright and early," Aeris spoke, her arms crossed and foot tapping.

"But, but! I wanted to buy CHEESE! You can't separate me from my love, you evil person!" defended Cloud.

"Are you done?" Aeris asked bitterly.

Cloud nodded solemnly.

"You have to go through the slum in Sector 6 to get to Tifa's Seventh Heaven. I'll take you there. Come one!" Aeris said excitedly.

"Since when did I tell you the name of Tifa's bar? Stalker!" shouted Cloud, but Aeris ignored him.

Cloud followed Aeris through a demolished road, when BAM! No, I am not impersonating Emeril, they were attacked by a monster house that shot fireballs!

"Oh my god! How random!" cried Aeris, taking twelve points of damage, she almost dead.

"Aaaaah! Run from the madness!" shouted Cloud in a shrill voice.

Oh noes, Aeris lost all her hit points!

"Ooga booga wha?" asked Cloud, still wildly flailing his arms.

The evil mutant house retreated, Cloud staring at the unconscious Aeris blankly.

"Cheese Down!" he stated, using a revival item.

"What took you so long?" Aeris asked.

"I was contemplating whether or not to use my precious cheese on you," Cloud whined.

The two came to a playground, and Aeris said, "The gate to Sector 7's in there."

"Okey dokey, artichokey. I guess this is Teletubby bye-bye. You gonna be okay goin' home?" asked Cloud.

"Uh, yeah! Oh, I mean, oh no! 'Whatever will I do?' Is that what you expect me to say?" Aeris took a defiant stance, glaring at Cloud.

"Uh... yeah," Cloud replied nonchalantly.

"Just shut up! I'm coming with you!" sighed Aeris. "Hey, look! I love playing on that, I mean, I _used_ to love playing on that!" cried Aeris, motioning towards a large, moogle-shaped children's slide. "Can we take a break?"

"Whatev," Cloud shrugged.

"I can't believe it's still here," Aeris said, climbing to the top. "Cloud, get over here!"

Cloud climbed up and sat next to her, relaxing a little.

"What rank were you?" Aeris asked suddenly, as if she had lured Cloud into a trap.

"Wha?" he asked confusedly.

"You know, in SOLDIER," Aeris added.

"Oh, I was... uh..." stalled Cloud. Suddenly, the screen flashed white, somehow giving Cloud the knowledge that he needed. "First Class."

"Just the same as him..." sighed Aeris.

"As who?" questioned Cloud, his ADD not yet rearing its ugly head. "Man, do I love squirrels." Spoke too soon.

"He did, too!" cried Aeris. "My first boyfriend."

"I love eating squirrels, too, and- Boyfriend? You were serious?"

"No, but I liked him for a while anyway." Aeris smiled brightly.

"Fried squirrels with mashed potatoes... man, ain't that the best." Cloud nodded his head as if confirming what he said. "Hey, what was his name? I probably knew him. Unless, he was like, a dork. 'Cuz the Cloud Mastah doesn't associate with dorks."

"It doesn't really matter," said Aeris, a bit of sadness lacing her words.

"He was a dork, huh?" Cloud said.

The big gate in the back opened, a chocobo-drawn carriage emerging from it.

"Hey, a chocobo!" yelled Cloud excitedly. "And Tifa! Hey, Tifa! Haven't seen you for a while! How's your sick aunt?"

The carriage left, and Aeris questioned Cloud, "That was Tifa? Where was she going? She looked kind of odd..."

Aeris hopped off the moogle slide, and ran after the cart, Cloud shouting, "Hey, are you calling her ugly? That's quite rude... hey, who said _you_ could come along?"

Cloud sighed in an exasperated manner, following Aeris.

They arrive at the Wall Market, Cloud looking around nervously. "Gee... this place is creepy." He gives a shudder, and follows after Aeris.

"We need to find Tifa," she said, trying to keep Cloud focused.

"But Mommy, I need to go pee pee!" he wailed.

So Aeris escorted Cloud to the little boys' room, and hoped that they'd go undistracted from there.

"Hey! Look! A brothel!" Cloud shouted excitedly.

"Cloud!" shouted Aeris, smacking him.

Cloud began to sob.

"Let's go to that mansion," Aeris said, dragging the sobbing Cloud.

The man at the entrance of mansion looked over Aeris and Cloud. "This is the mansion of Don Corneo, the most powerful man in Wall Market. Look, the Don's not interested in men. So don't let me catch you around here again."

Cloud began to sob uncontrollably once more. "The ugly guy's sexist!" he cried.

"C'mon, Cloud, I got an idea," Aeris said evilly.

"We goin' to the brothel?" Cloud asked, suddenly perking up.

Aeris smacked her forehead defeatedly. "Just come on..."

Blah, blah, blah, later when Cloud has a dress...

"Yayee! I used to wear dresses all the time when I was in SOLDIER! Everybody told me that I was sexy!" shouted Cloud joyfully, hugging his new dress. "Are we gonna play a game?"

"Yes, Cloud," replied Aeris, "it's called 'Rescue Tifa'. Now put on that dress and come with me."

Cloud swiftly and immodestly dressed, emerging with a sparkling smile and a dress that sparkled with it.

Everyone in the store gasped, even the cat. He _was_ sexy. Think straight thoughts, think straight thoughts, think straight thoughts...

"Ah, Cloud, how lovely!" Aeris said. "Now I wanna look pretty!"

She chose a new dress and changed into it. Luckily, when she emerged from the changing room, her sex wasn't altered.

"You're being pretty with me! Yayee! This is the best game EVER!" Cloud exclaimed jubilantly.

The two headed to Don Corneo's mansion, braced for any monstrosity, except that of the lecherous Don Corneo...

* * *

Ah! Another random chapter! If you don't review, Cloud will eat a squirrel! 


	4. In Which Cloud Wears Lingerie

**Disclaimer: You probably already get the drift, but I find it fun to repeat the fact that I do not own Final Fantasy VII.**

**Final Fantasy VII: Chronicles of Cheese**

Aeris and Cloud were outside Don Corneo's mansion.

"Damn! Your friend's hot, too!"

They managed to endure the man's brief scrutiny.

They entered the mansion, Cloud seeming especially antsy.

"What's wrong?" Aeris asked.

"This lingerie is itchy!" Cloud whined.

Aeris gave a sigh.

"Hey, ladies!" said the receptionist, "I'll go and let the Don know that you're here. Wait here. Don't go wandering around."

"Now's our chance," Aeris said, an evil twinkle in her eye as if they were breaking into the 1st National to steal some big bucks. "Let's find Tifa."

Cloud nodded in response, continuing to scratch himself.

They headed upstairs, and came to a chamber.

"Ooh, any cheese in here?" Cloud asked to no one in particular.

"Wow, it's creepy," said Aeris, walking into the torture chamber.

They saw a woman, a Tifa woman!

"Hey, Tifa! Nice to meetcha. I'm Aeris! Cloud's told me a lot about you," Aeris greeted warmly.

"Uh, hi, um, Aeris!" Tifa said nervously. "Oh, hey, you're the one with Cloud in the park..." The ellipses signaled Tifa's nervousness.

"Uh-huh, with Cloud," stated Aeris.

"Oh..." Tifa fidgeted.

"Hey, buddy, don't worry! We just met! It's nothing!" Aeris said in a bubbly manner.

"Whaddya mean 'don't worry'? Oh, don't misunderstand. Cloud and I grew up together. Nothing more," Tifa said, giving a shy smile.

Aeris giggled. "Poor Cloud, having to stand there and listen to both of us call him nothing." She turned to Cloud, who was huddled in a corner, looking at him with that oh-so devilish twinkle in her eyes. "Right, Cloud?"

"C- Cloud?" Tifa sputtered, turning to her comrade. "?"

Cloud gave a dumb smile, at a loss of words.

"Why are you dressed like that? And why are you here? Forget that, what happened to you after the fall? Are you hurt?"

Cloud's smile wavered after the barrage of questions. "Hey gimme a chance to explain, girly! I'm dressed like this 'cuz it was the only way to get in here. Plus, it makes me look sexy. Don't you think I look sexy? Tell me yes."

"Are you wearing women's underwear?" Tifa asked.

"Yep," Cloud immodestly replied. "Hey, um, since we're asking questions and all that, what are you doin' here?"

"Oh, hehehehehe," Tifa giggled.

"Ahem!" Aeris said. "I'll just plug my ears."

"I'm glad you're okay!" Tifa said, trying in vain to change the subject.

"Okey dokey, now answer me," Cloud said.

Tifa sighed. "When we got back from Sector 5, there was this weird man. So Barret caught him and squeezed some information out of him."

"Oh," said Cloud, struggling to remember his next line. "That's when you heard about the evil chipmunks trying to take over Uranus!" Cloud giggled at the word Uranus.

"No," Tifa replied bluntly. "That Don guy's name."

"Oh, that incredibly sexy man who gave me fashion tips? Why didn't you say so!" Cloud airheadedly laughed.

"Uh, yeah," Tifa remarked. "Barret told me to leave the lech alone, or 'foo'' as he likes to say, but something's been bothering me..." Tifa paused awkwardly.

"And you decided to go to Taco Bell and by a taco with extra cheese?" Cloud asked in a giddy way. "Cheese is so awesome."

"Okay," Tifa replied. "I wanted to get the story straight from Corneo's mouth. So I made it here, but now I'm in a bind. Corneo is looking for a bride," at this, Cloud got an unusual sparkle in his eyes. "Everyday, he gets three girls, chooses one, and then, well... Anyway, I have to be the girl... or I'm out for tonight."

"Sorry, but I overheard," Aeris asked, being the little eavesdropper she is. "If you know the three girls, then there's no problem, right?"

And then everybody goes 'blah,' go to Don Corneo, and drum roll... Cloud was chosen by the Don!

Cloud: "YES!"

And that concludes today's chapter.

* * *

So, what did you think? Review, please! This chapter seemed less random than the others, huh... And shorter... I am currently uninspired... so inspire me with a review! 


End file.
